Voldemort, A Valentine's Tale
by Blacketernia13
Summary: It's not that he didn't understand love, but rather that he was rubbish at talking to girls. Embarrassing really, especially for a dark lord. With Snape's help can he get past his nerves and finally bring his plus 1 to Dumbledore's Valentine's party?
1. Love is in the Air

Disclaimer: Fanfiction, not mine.

The wind howled fiercely, rattling the windows on the small crumbling cottage. Snow fell so thick vision was all but impaired, yet the raging winter storm showed no signs of slowing as the night progressed.

Inside, a man sat silent and huddled in a large armchair, the only light coming from a dim fire.

"Wormtail....." Hissed the figure. A short pudgy man appeared at the command.

"Yes m-master." The man's rat like features illuminated as he drew near the fire.

"I have a matter of uttmosssssssst importansssssse."

The rat like man cowered and bowed low, "Anything you say master."

"Fetch me.... Sssssseverussssss Ssssssnape."

***

"Sherbert lemon?" An elderly man, with long silver hair and a matching silver beard leaned forward, extending a box of candies in his left hand. His half moon glasses nearly falling off his nose with the movement. This man was Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. He adjusted his silver trimmed, purple robes before returning the box of candies to the desk he was sitting at, the intended refusing his generosity.

"Albus really, you know I despise those... muggle candies... really...." Across the desk sat a man dressed all in black, his greasy black hair hanging limp around his shoulders. This man was Severus Snape, potions master of the vary same school.

"Oh but Severus... that's exactly my point... always sour... and never sweet."

Severus herumphed loudly.

"Oh Severus... what ever will I do with you..." sighed the old man.

"You will do nothing with me headmaster, I am perfectly capable of caring for myself."

"Well... don't mistake me... You are certainly a brilliant man and a valuable addition to our cause... but you lack...."

"I lack nothing!" Severus cut in roughly.

"...you lack a woman's touch."

"I WHAT!?" Severus was hardly in the mood for such criticism. "I assure you headmaster, I lack no such thing. I implore you to point out one such improvement a 'woman's touch' might have on me."

"Well Severus... for starters... a woman might introduce you to a wonderful product called shampoo... I use it myself, wonderful stuff really."

Severus grunted, "I have in fact heard of 'shampoo' I rather CHOOSE not to use it... it makes my hair static-y... and hard to manage." He reached up and began tugging at various bunches of hair, "... and these bits here wing out like this and..."

"And how about your robes Severus... you know a woman could show you how to appropriately add a splash of colour to your outfit... Really make you pop right out you know."

"I like black... it goes with everything...very simple." Although Severus was beginning to wonder whether Dumbledore might have a point... There was that one robe he'd had in his closet forever... only it was a very lovely shade of blue and he could never figure out just how to match it with the rest of his outfit.

"What I'm really trying to say is that Valentine's day is only a few days away..."

_What you're really trying to say is you'd like to send me out on some horrible half arsed, blind date again so that I might bring a girlfriend to your annual party... _he thought to himself.

But luckily for Severus Snape, his arm began to tingle, and he rolled up his sleeve to find his Dark Mark had begun to glow. Instead of protesting heatedly he calmly replied, "My apologies Headmaster, it would appear I'm being summoned... we'll continue this conversation later" However he made a mental note to avoid Dumbledore until after Valentine's Day.

_The Dark Lord, _he sighed with relief, _would never waste his time on such a ludicrous concept as 'girlfriends'. He had far more important things to worry about._

_ ***_

Snape glided briskly into the dark lords room, his black robes billowing around him. _Hmmm... I wonder what Voldemort would say if I appeared to him in blue...._

"My lord, you summoned me?" Snape knelt before the large armchair.

"Yesssssssss Sssseverussssss." The dark figure rose and turned to face Severus. "It hassssss come to my attentionssssss that the Order believessssss my one weaknessssss to be love. And, with your help, I would like to prove them all wrong!"

Severus blinked.

"You ssssseee." Continued the dark lord, "I have a confesssssssion to make, to you and you alone."

Severus blinked some more.

"I act sssssssssssoo uncaring of love becausssssssse....."

More blinking.

"I don't know how to talk to girlsssssssss... and ssssssssso I'm embarasssssssssssed."

Severus blinked so furiously he thought his eye lids might give up and move away.

"And ssssssssso, I call you.... ssssssssssso that thisssssss year I may actually bring my plusssssssss one to Dumbeldore'sssssssssss Valentine'sssssssss party... and prove onssssse and for all that I, the dark lord Voldemort, have no weaknesssssssssss."

"And... I fit into this..... how?" Severus forced the words out of his mouth, he rather liked his eye lids and he wanted to give them a break... his face would never be the same again if they decided to leave.

"Well Severusssssss you and I... we're the mosssssssst eligible bachelorsssssssssss of all the death eaterssssssssssss. I thought we might do thisssssss together.... for ssssssssssome moral ssssssssuport. Plusssssss we can do sssssssssome man to man bonding." The dark lord smiled and elbowed Severus at the last part.

"Yes master... that sounds.... lovely." Severus made another mental note, this time to remind himself that he should leave a letter of resignation on both his masters desks first thing in the morning and apparate somewhere far far away.


	2. Jealousy and Pazazz!

DISCLAIMER: Fanfiction, and thus, not mine.

"And then she said... ...nice patronus Dolohov!" Lucius Malfoy clapped his hands at his punch line and looked to Snape for approval, however, he received none.

"Hilarious." Droned Snape, hardly looking up from his breakfast. Even my eggs are funnier than this man.... He proceeded to casually poke the yokes with his fork.

"Who was I kidding... you don't understand the concept of fun..." sighed Lucius rolling his eyes and flicking his long blond hair dramatically, "Even Bella laughed at that one...."

"Has it ever occurred to you that Bella is insane and is constantly laughing maniacally?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that.... no... wait... you've got me there...." He looked around nervously to make sure Bella hadn't overheard. Luckily she was out of earshot, reproaching Yaxley for, what appeared to be, not using proper skin care lotions for the preservation of his dark mark.

There was silence for a moment, before Lucius spoke up again, "Say Severus... are you going to eat that bacon? Fenrir ate the rest, and I could really go for another few strips..." He poked the pieces in question with his fork, causing Severus to crinkle his nose in disgust.

"Take them...."

"Say.... Severus...." A feminine voice whispered in his ear... and, if Severus had any hope left for this day, it was all gone now.

"The Dark Lord tells me the two of you have a secret mission planned...." Bellatrix LeStrange slipped into the vacant seat next to him at the Death Eaters Only breakfast table.

Lucius gulped and waved nervously while feigning a smile, "Morning Bella."

She ignored him, and Snape continued to ignore her, so she continued.

"And I want to know why he always choses you! You don't even show up to half the weekly meetings, or the planned events!"

"So Lucius, just how is Narcissa?" Severus took a large bite of egg and chewed slowly.

"DON'T change the subject! I mean, have you even once ironed his shirts?! Because I have! In fact I've even..."

Severus and Lucius exchanged pained looks and finally, after what seemed like a millennia, Bellatrix concluded her rant.

"And once I even tweezed his back hair for him! Have YOU done ANY of that stuff?"

Lucius gaged, "Er... no... and I'm not sure I want to."

"Congratulations Bella, by your standards the rest of us are clearly disloyal and only here because Dumbledore wouldn't have us..." Severus accompanied his statement with a slow applause. To which Bellatrix gave an almost dumbfounded look. And... that's when it happened...

"Drum roll, please!" bellowed a buttery slick voice. The hall full of death eaters looked up slightly confused as to what was happening.

"...I said..." sighed the voice now heavy with disappointment, "...drum roll, please!"

Dolohov raised a finger and inserted it into his nose. Rudolphous scratched his nether regions. Lucius wiped up a spot of drool and Severus made a mental note to stop attending the Death Eater Daily Breakfasts (even if they did significantly boost moral and give everyone a jump start to their day).

"For Merlin's sake! That means you numskulls give me a drum roll!" The voice was now quite exasperated.

Yaxley raised his hand.

"Yes Yaxley..." groaned the voice....

"We don't have any drums... How do we..."

The voice cut him off, "Bang on your knees, the table, the wall...... I don't know... conjure a drum set.... no wait... that's probably asking to much of you dunderheads..." The voiced paused as it reasoned with itself, "scratch the drum roll... just look shocked when I appear... you can handle that... right?"

The death eaters looked around cautiously, and gaining confidence from each others presence, they began to nod slowly.

"Good, now..."

POOOOOOOOOOOOF. There was a sudden flash of smoke and by magic.... there stood the dark lord Voldemort, looking sharp in a hot pink blazer with a popped collar and a pair of ripped and bleached jeans that were WAY too tight.

Everyone blinked in unison.

"My lord!!!! You look absolutely ravishing!" Exclaimed Bella.

"I know! Don't I?" He smiled and tried to look at his own butt without the help of a mirror.

Severus and Lucius resisted the urge to vomit at both the dark lords outfit and Bella's comment, Lucius did, however, manage to force out his own, "My lord... your hiss! It's gone!"

"I knooooowww," Voldemort flicked his wrist, "I only use the Parsletongue accent because it sounds intimidating... but for tonight's activities it'd only be a hinderance. Anyways, I'm off for now, just wanted to show off the new outfit." He strutted flamboyantly towards the door, stopping on his way out to nudge Severus in the ribs, "You ready for our date tonight?" He winked trying to be inconspicuous then proceeded on his way out the door.

The room was silent for a few moments and everyone watched as Bellatrix's face slowly turned from pale white to a deep shade of red.

"THE DARK LORD... IS GOING ON A DATE.... AND HE ASKED YOU INSTEAD OF ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Bella darling you still have me!" Rodolphous attempted to put his arm around his wife but her heel came crashing down on his toes and he toppled over in pain.

Severus coughed, "The dark lord wished to bring a date to Dumbledore's Valentine's Day party and he has asked me to accompany him to a bar this evening, in hopes of picking up... chicks." He was disgusted with himself for the use of that word.

"But if the dark lord needed a date... why... why not ask me?" Her rage seemed to subside for a moment in place of genuine sadness.

"My love, I can be your V...." Started Rudolphous as he picked himself up of the floor... but Bella's rage promptly returned and this time it was his face and her elbow.

"You know Bella..." Lucius, who had previously been silent decided now was the perfect time to join the conversation, "you may be onto something... the dark lord needs a date and instead of asking me, the charming ladies man to help him get one... he asks Severus perma-virgin Snape. By the way Sev old boy... have you ever even had a girlfriend?"

And so Severus made another mental note to make new friends at the next possible opportunity (and to make sure they had I.Q's equal to or higher than his own).


	3. A Woman's Touch

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.

Snape grimaced at his reflection in the mirror. The brightness of his powder blue robes almost stung his eyes. This was definitely going to be the kind of night you mentally sweep under a rug. He snarled and began tugging on some loose threads around the side of his robes.

_If these were black... these damn imperfections wouldn't show..._

This was the real reason Severus Snape never wore colour... It required too much grooming. And then, as if the night wasn't already off to a _wonderful_ start, there was the knock on his door.

"Sevy! Oh Sevy!"

Snape cringed. This was the problem with having a death eaters only cottage. Sure it sounded like a lovely idea, then again so did the communal breakfasts, but the downside was, you were never more than arms length from and idiot. Although, by Snape's definition, most of the worlds population fell into the idiot category.

Not getting an answer, the door flung open. Lucius leaned heavily against the door frame, sporting an all too tight polo shirt (also popped colored) and a pair of acid wash jeans. His hair, immaculate and flowing as usual.

"So... I heard about the big date tonight and I..."

"It's not a date..." Growled Snape.

"Hey! You never know! You guys may meet that special someone!" Lucius had now edged dangerously close and attempted to give Snape the elbow nudge. Snape however, managed to slip out of reach.

"I will NOT be meeting anyone... I will merely be escorting the dark lord on HIS, however idiotic quest."

Snape once again caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and returned to fussing over his robes."Sure thing." Lucius winked, "Need a hand?"

"I assure you Lucius I am a grown man, perfectly capable of dressing myself!" However, the more he fussed, the worse a mess he seemed to make himself.

"Why don't you ditch the robe? Blue is apparently not your colour." While he spoke Lucius had begun tearing through Snape's wardrobe. "You've got to have something at least semi stylish in here..."

"Would you get out of my clothes?"

"Aha! Here we go!" Lucius procured what looked like a a skinned cat from the closet, "On second thought..."

Furious Snape cast of his robe and nearly leapt across the room, yanking the nosey Malfoy out of his things and tossing him out into the hall.

"You will leave me alone and cease your incessant bothering!"Looking utterly dejected Lucius began to sulk away, before turning back with a smirk.

"Oh Sevy... One last thing?"

Severus popped his head back into the hall and Lucius flicked his wand deviously,

"There... that's better... Have a good night my friend!"

Seething with rage Snape slammed the door and immediately began searching himself for Lucius' modification. After minutes of fuss and prodding the realization finally sunk in.

_The git's gone and washed my hair..._


End file.
